Old Ollie

Old Ollie would wander around town, but she always seemed to be going somewhere. She wore a long skirt and a heavy cardigan, always colors of the ground, varied but earthy all the same. She wore a little hat. Not a fancy one or even recognizable as a style, more like a few flattened pancakes on her head.

Her hair was just to her shoulders, blunt cut and strung with grey, a bit wild.

She walked with a rolling limp, as though she was walking along inside a dingy, she was bent and twisted a bit so maybe that’s why.

She talked to herself, muttering along as she walked. She never talked to me, but I would follow her if she was going in my general direction. Even when she looked at me, she looked through me and past me.

She would glare at the monster kids who threw stones at her. The same rotten kids who threw them at me. That’s why I followed her. I never saw her do anything more than hold up her arms to shield her face. I beat those kids when they picked on my brother, and I beat them if they went to hurt Ollie. They were just nasty little sissies, so I never got hurt too much.

The reason I followed Ollie (and probably why everyone said she was crazy) was the way she recycled her chewing gum. She would walk and chew and mutter along, then she would take it out of her mouth and stick it on the bottom of her shoe, walk awhile without it, then get it and chew on it again. I wondered why she didn’t drop dead. My mother hated dirt and germs, gagging when men spat on the ground. Making us wash our hands when we touched things she deemed unclean. Yet here was Ollie, collecting all of that, and putting it inside herself. So, seeing Ollie always made me happy, because she was winning and all the germs my mother was crazed about were losing.

water

The water showed me what life was.

There is water that you see, and the water you feel. The feeling kind is underneath, hidden, strong, and impossible to fight against. If you fight against it, it will kill you with no conscience at all. Not even noticing it did. You’re nothing more than a leaf or stick along for the ride. I went for a ride a few times, but it decided it didn’t really want me.

People are like that too. 

What you see on the surface is nothing like the depths flowing through them below. Some can hold you warm and close like a warm lagoon between the rocks. Others can dash you to pieces, throwing you against the boulders and banks, while others can pull you so far down, that you will never surface again. 

Families are like that too. 

Maybe, there are some like the lagoon, that exist in a constant state of calm and peace, but I don’t know of them.

I think most are just like the real water. Water that is turbulent at times, still at other times, occasionally brutal, deceptive on the surface, but nevertheless, carries you from your beginning until your end.

–Ossibell

Musings: Do or Die Mindset

Has there been a set of words that changed your life?

What inspired you to move onward?

To stop feeling sorry for yourself, and fight ahead?

To free yourself, and move into unchartered territory?

That gave you the strength to believe in yourself?

That brought forth the “Do or Die” determination?

This was mine

Out of the night that covers me,
      Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
      For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
      I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
      My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
      Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
      Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
      How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
      I am the captain of my soul.

William Ernest Henley, born August 23, 1849, was an influential British poet, perhaps best known for his poem “Invictus” (1875). He is the author of A Song of Speed (D. Nutt, 1903), Hawthorn & Lavender with Other Verses (D. Nutt, 1901), and For England’s Sake: Verses and Songs in Time of War (D. Nutt, 1900), among others. He died in Woking, England, on July 11, 1903.

Do you need water by chance?

My heart was full and my mind was amazed at what had just taken place. Was this for real? Is this how easy it is? It must be because it just happened. I laughed the rest of the way home, glad I had unloaded the heavy bottles. Who would have thought? Or “who would have thunk?” as my kids said.

I went to the grocery store, as usual. It was a beautiful store. Dominicks in Chicagoland. It had everything, like a Jewel, Publix, Albertsons, and the like.

I did my usual shopping, browsing the produce, taking my time, thinking about what I’m going to make. Then I picked up three gallons of water, like I did in the past when I made formula for the babies, (they were so allergic, and my production didn’t cut it). I felt nothing out of the ordinary during my entire shopping session, until I got to the car and loaded everything into the trunk. Then it hit me. I don’t need water for formula anymore. What was I thinking?

By now I was ready to go home and the thought of going to the returns was just drudgery x 100, so I just thought: “Ok, I just wasted $5 on water, so what, I’ve done worse” and headed home.

Turning into our neighborhood, (left turn lane off a busy highway) I see a car with the hood lifted up. Usually, I don’t stop because I have no clue about auto mechanics. Today, I call out the window. “Do you need water?” He replied, My radiator something or another, so I asked “would water fix it? He said YES, so I pulled over and handed him the bottles.

“I guess these are for you…”

“Can I pay you? “

“Nope”

So I laughed and felt rich and full all the way home.

Soul, Higher Self, Transcendent Being, Spirit Guide.

Whatever the name, I believe it’s the angel on your shoulder, the voice that whispers what’s right and true. You know it’s right or true because your heart feels warm and safe, maybe a little fluttery. The message is for your own good in the end, even if there are a few obstacles in the way. That’s not to imply that you must always follow or heed that guidance, you can choose not to, you’ll still eventually get there, but it will be more painful.

I always called it the “oversoul”, don’t know why, I just have. Maybe because it is above me and all around me, hovering over me. I have my own terms and labels for other things too. How does my oversoul speak to me? Usually through dreams symbolically. Usually in thoughts, like you would hear if you talked to yourself, but it’s not you talking, and of course in pictures or just an intense feeling, that becomes so strong, that you must listen.

I’m tight with my oversoul. I listen. I’ve learned to trust and heed the promptings.
I’ve seen the divine hand at work in the instances I’ve lent myself over, and been humbled by the beauty and simplicity in the order of things when I’ve seen beyond the “curtain”. And there are many times I’ve been surprised and occasionally, I’ve laughed out loud. The soul has a fabulous sense of humor. But then again, life can be such a practical joke, yes?

You might wonder how I came to be this way. Am I a “New Age” kook? No. Delusional? No. In truth, I grew up in trauma, which helped open channels of thought and feeling. I grew up in a country and culture where I was an alien, so I had to “tune in” to relate and understand. I couldn’t speak the language so I relied on body language, expressions, and primarily, what we call “gut”.
Add to that spiritual sandwich, my mother was intuitive, so I grew up in an omnipotent household, but it was not used for kindness, but rather manipulation.
She later used her “gift” professionally for money. This brings me to the close of this little piece, and my gift to you, which is: Listen to your own “oversoul”. It’s always there, it’s always true, it’s always the best for you. Don’t betray yourself. You’re bigger and more powerful than you can imagine.

I will be sharing stories, illustrations, true-life events which I’ve experienced, and some lessons I’ve learned over the years. I’ve intensely studied all religions, masters, and books, trying to find the truth and the common ground. I am at peace and have found it now I think. I’m ready to share what I’ve learned.

My following posts will be about these experiences and stories. This is an intro of sorts for you to decide if you’d like to tune in.

–Ossibellavita